Wednesday, December 3, 2008


So I'm trying to kid myself that I have enough energy for this now. When I have spent a day feeling insecure and judged and never good enough, when I asked, have I become more arrogant? when I should have asked, have I become more paranoid? When I looked without touching, yet again. When I was snapped at just because I am not liked. When I have found a thread on the memoir that I need to follow. When I have a publisher and a deadline for that and I feel like I may have a stroke of my own just like a method actor, method writing as it were. When I can't finish a sentence let alone a thought. When I meet an author who is calm and so lovely and so personable and I think, I will never be like that. When I check the mailbox three times to see if the contract has arrived. When I think, what if I have made a mistake, what if it has all been some terrible joke? What if they have changed their minds and I am back to where I was. When I still have no kitchen to cook in even though it looks like I do. When my neck grits as if there is sand in it, and my back is the back of a woman my own age or older when I forget sometimes and imagine I am as young and full of potential as my friends. When I don't know why anyone has time for me at the moment when I am so scattered and so incapable of even writing a blog post for the brain book.

So there won't be a blog post today. So you will have to wait till I have more head space. So I hope that I will come back to it soon, but this is the Christmas rush and I am about to be stabbed to death by one fellow staff member or another unless I get it together or wear armour under my new frock.

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